UMMMMMM

OK so I haven't killed a single cell this week. Then again I have a killed a few...very few. Although I haven't read or prayedas much as I "planned". This will be a better week. I did consciously make some decisions to guard my thoughts and eyes- unless I count those few when I stared into Paul Newman's eyes about an hour ago. There is a picture of him in the Sunday paper when he was much younger. He was a gorgeous man. I stared into his baby blues and finally put the paper down and stopped lusting. One small step in the death process...But one giant leap in obedience to the Word of God. This will be a better week.

I didn't mention this before but I lost my pastor this year. He was 86 years old and suffering from bladder cancer. His wife and I were talking today and she said something which caused my imagination to go into overdrive and I began meditating on how resistant we are to being molded by the Master Sculptor. We talked about how it seems like since my pastor died our church's atmosphere has changed so much, its as if we've become a group of people who were left behind after the rapture. I ran with that thought. I said yes, there is this underlying weird sort of evil or perversion of the gospel going on. We talk christianese, we talk about the bible and we Amen all day about everything that comes across the pulpit. However we dont live it. Are we of the Antichrist or Christ the King? I hear preaching about dying to self, suffering, praising God and repentance but our behavior is completely the opposite. We are gossiping, accusing one another of wrongdoings, harboring unforgiveness and being dishonest to one another in general. We have taken the Wisdom of God and exchanged it for our own reasoning's and logic. Basically taken down God as God and replaced Him with ourselves. This will be a better week.

This is why I have to have a better week in Death and Life in Christ. I don't want to be this way. I want to life free. Free from hate and anger, free from gossip and accusations. Free to love people and be vulnerable and leave my destiny in the hands of Jesus. Jesus came to free me..us..but we chose bondage to Satan and ourselves. So sick of it!! Oh not in YOU...lol..in ME. You can work out your own salvation. I want to be able to love you in spite of your behavior towards me.

I lay down my life again. This week I am gonna try real, real, real hard not to pick it up again. Pray for me.... This will be a better week.